Hello, again. Good grief, I’m losing days and weeks at a stretch lately. That’s what pregnancy does-- it makes time speed up until it feels like I’m running just to catch up with my own thoughts. Madness.
I was going to say I have a full plate these days, but the better metaphor seems to be that I’m spinning a lot of plates right now. Of course, plates make me think of food and because I’m pregnant and therefore always hungry, so I get distracted from what else I might say. Food… fooooood… hungry…
Ahem. See what I mean?
In any case, I’m nearly 26 weeks pregnant and coming up on the third trimester (and depending on which chart you follow, the third trimester begins at 27 or 28 weeks) when the real exhaustion creeps in. That kind of scares me, because I’m pretty tired these days. Being pregnant with a toddler is far cry from being pregnant and only having myself to take care of. Likewise, being pregnant with a toddler and having three or four books in various stages of development as well as some other writing projects is a different world from the last time I was pregnant and napped whenever the need struck (which was often) and only had one book, the usual writing deadlines and one blog to worry about.
I thought things were supposed to slow down as you got older?? This has not been my experience…
So, what’s new with me? In addition to the expanding waistline (and yes, I know, I have not posted one single baby belly picture. I should work on that.), I’m finalizing Best Erotic Romance 2012. Isn’t that a pretty cover? This will be my fourth (!!) anthology for Cleis Press and I’m having so much fun editing anthologies for them!
Once this anthology is put to bed (so to speak), I’ll be working on Lustfully Ever After: Fairy Tale Erotic Romance. I’ll be accepting submissions for this new collection of erotic fairy tales until June 20. It’s unlikely I will be granting extensions this time because I have to get this book turned in before this baby is born. I need erotic, romantic, intense stories based on fairy tales, so if you are so inclined, please, please submit! Best Erotic Romance will be hitting the shelves in December, just in time for the holidays!
Of course, I can’t forget about my other upcoming release this year-- Steamlust! I’m so excited about this book and doing a collection of steampunk erotic romance. I will have the TOC posted soon, but I will tell you there are fourteen delicious steampunk stories in this collection, along with a fabulous introduction by steampunk romance author Meljean Brook. This is the first anthology in which I haven’t included a story of my own and it feels a little weird, to be honest. But between the time crunch of other deadlines and the fantastic stories I received and the fact that the longer stories made for fewer opportunities for authors to be included, I felt it was for the best.
I’m also excited about Steamlust because it will be the first anthology for which there will be a book trailer!! The fabulously talented Nikki Magennis is busily working to create a magnificent film to showcase the anthology. She’s also created a blog to detail the entire process. If you’re interested in film making, animation, book trailers, steampunk or the creative process, stop by Steam * Lust * Animation. I am absolutely fascinated by this entire process and find myself ooohhing and ahhhing at the little details Nikki is revealing. I cannot wait to see the final film!! (We are shooting for an August release date to precede the September publication date, so stay tuned!)
And while I’m excited about my October and December releases, I’m so, so thrilled with this month’s release, Dream Lover: Paranormal Tales of Erotic Romance. This was such a fun book to put together and there are so many wonderful stories (along with a terrific foreword by erotic romance goddess Megan Hart). I just adore this book and the stories so much! I truly hope it finds the wide audience it deserves.
I’ll be speaking at Fountain Bookstore in Richmond in a couple of weeks, talking about “trends in the paranormal fiction business, the market for erotic romance and balancing writing, editing, teaching, and motherhood. “ (Eep! What do I know about balance??) Should be fun! Because of the new baby who is currently kicking me in the stomach,I don’t know what readings/events I’ll be able to do for Steamlust and Best Erotic Romance, but I’m already thinking ahead. I definitely want to go back to Sugar to visit Jacq and her fabulous staff in the spring and we’ve already discussed rescheduling my Breathe Books date (which was cancelled due to a conflict with a street festival the weekend I was supposed to be there).
I’m also trying to get in some writing, too. I’m determined to submit something for Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Curvy Girls anthology. I have a story in mind to write, I just have to find the time to write it! There are some other fabulous calls for submissions coming up this summer, as well. I’m particularly excited about Delilah Devlin’s Beastly Babes anthology. Lesbian shapeshifters! Fun!! So I need to carve out some more time from somewhere (which usually translates in taking it from my sleep, the only place left!) to do some writing before I’m inundated with newborn-sized diapers and 2-3 hour feeding schedules…
In the midst of the editing and writing and pregnancy, there is also the adorable almost 18 month old toddler who keeps me running. Patrick gives me hope when I despair being able to handle two babies under two-- he’s so independent and cheerful and curious about everything, I (usually) think that this having two babies so close together will turn out to be an excellent thing. Of course, he also climbs on the kitchen table faster than I can say, “What are you doing?” and can now outrun and outmaneuver me (not difficult, since I’m pretty slow these days). So… it’s exhausting sometimes. I’m looking ahead to when this baby is out in the world and sleeping through the night and my body has bounced back to some semblance of its former self and my energy level returns. It will return, right?? Goodness, I hope so. I have a lot to do!
Oh, and I’m doing my weekly post over at Oh Get A Grip! and having such a fun time with it! Last week’s theme was about last words and what makes a memorable conclusion to a story. I wrote about how I tend to be long-winded (as evidenced by this blog post) and how difficult it is for me to have closure-- in a story or in real life. Tough topic. This week’s was even more of a challenge: Gilbert and Sullivan! What I know about Gilbert and Sullivan can be summed up in a paragraph, but I finished my post last night (which will appear tomorrow) and did find something to write about.
And I can’t believe it’s been a year since I started moderating the twice monthly book club discussions for the Naked Reader Book Club sponsored by EdenFantasys SexIs Magazine and Cleis Press. The book club now has their own fabulous website and the group has grown so much in a year! Do stop by if you have a chance-- discussions are every other Tuesday, 8-10 PM EST. If you join the book club, you not only get free books, but you also have the chance to win additional prizes during the discussions. Plus, you get to talk about erotica and sex. What’s not to love?
I know this summer is going to fly by in a blur of deadlines and activities and doctor’s appointments and baby preparations, but I’m also looking forward to finding some quiet moments to sip lemonade out on the deck and watch the baby splash in his pool (what will I call him when there’s another baby in the house??), and spend time with friends and see all those summer movies in cool, dark movie theaters… Plus, Sheri (my dearest friend for over 20 years) just sent me her flight itinerary for her June trip, which will coincide with my talk at Fountain Bookstore. So I’m also looking forward to a girls’ weekend and maybe some spa treatments… Oh, summer! It will be autumn before I know it and there will be a new little baby to love, but I’m going to make the most of these next weeks… and try to keep you updated a little more often!
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There was a time when I followed politics and current events. Not so much anymore. Oh, I know what’s going on in Egypt and Libya, about the ridiculous vote by the U.S. House of Representatives to end federal funding to Planned Parenthood, about President Obama renouncing the definition of marriage, about the earthquake in New Zealand, about crazy politicians who want to criminalize miscarriage. I know the headlines, I suppose. The big stuff. Which (sad to say) is more than many people know. (True story: A Facebook friend posted as her status, “I don’t know what’s going on in Egypt, but it looks scary!")
What I don’t know are the nuances, the details that can only be had by reading multiple news sources and gleaning information from different perspectives. Somewhere in the past two years I’ve let my political and current events reading fall by the wayside. I know what precipitated it-- pregnancy. I stopped watching the news all together when I was pregnant with Patrick-- too many tragic stories that would turn me into a weeping puddle of maternal mush-- and reading newspapers and news sites quickly fell by the wayside with a newborn. Then I simply never returned to it.
I feel guilty sometimes, not knowing as much as I should about world events. I’m a parent now, I feel as if I should know what’s going on in the world so I can protect my child(ren). But knowledge doesn’t necessarily give me that kind of ability, does it? No, sometimes knowledge is not power. Sometimes knowledge about the big scary world outside my front door only brings worry and fear. And as I find myself back in the realm of hormonal pregnant women, the last thing I need on my mind when I go to bed at night are the tragedies of the world. I’m a coward like that when my hormones are ricocheting about like pinballs in a game.
And though it pains me to admit it, parenthood has cracked my hard exterior and made me a marshmallow when it comes to tragedy. Stories about children, in particular, will leave me in tears. I just cannot take that raw, exposed nerve-ending feeling and so I hide from the bad stuff and gravitate toward laughter and sunshine. The same is true of fiction, as well. I nearly lost it just watching the trailer of Rabbit Hole. Making me sit through the movie would be cruel and unusual punishment.
By the end of summer, I will be responsible for two young lives in this world. I know at some point I will pick up the newspapers and news magazines again, add the news sites to my favorites again, watch the local news and national news on a regular basis again. It’s my responsibility as a parent to know what is going on so I can make the best decisions for my little ones. But for now, for the next six months or maybe even a year, I’m going to revel in laughter and sunshine and baby smiles and tummy flutters.
I’ve been driving the same little blue Miata for eighteen and a half years. Same car. I hang on to the things I love, you know? I’ve never hit anything in that car before last night. That’s pretty good luck, right? Despite last night’s minor accident, I still think my luck is pretty damn good.
I live in the ‘burbs surrounded by a lot of trees. I would call it a forest, but the ‘burbs continue to encroach on what was once nothing but forest so that now it’s pockets of trees surrounded by houses rather than the other way around. The road I drove last night used to be nothing but forest. A few years ago they bulldozed the trees to put in a stretch of pavement, marked it as 50 miles per hour and neglected to put up any streetlights. It’s a convenient road to take, but no one bothered to send a memo to the wildlife who populate the woods around it that they should probably move somewhere a bit safer. The amount of road kill the first few months after the road was put in was frightening. It looked like the animal version of Death Race 2000. There are still regular killings on this road, mostly because people fail to obey the speed limit and go 65 on this dark stretch of road.
Last night, coming home rather late from an evening out, I was taking my usual route home. Going the speed limit, I might add. Two deer crossed the grassy median right into my path. Deer sightings aren’t unusual around here, despite the fact that they really don’t have much of a habitat to call home. I’ve seen them standing off to the side of the road occasionally-- usually not spotting them until I’ve nearly passed them. Last night was really no different. I saw them when I was practically on top of them, when it was too late to slow down and give them time to cross. The first one got out of the way, but the second one wasn’t so quick. I braked, but there was no real stopping distance. I didn’t swerve-- they tell you not to-- it’s more dangerous I suppose than keeping to your lane and just going forward-- but I always doubted I’d be able to follow that rule when an animal was involved. But I did. The thud made my car shudder. It’s a small car, lightweight. I thought for sure the entire front end must have fallen off with that thud, but no… the car seemed to be intact, nothing clattered behind me. I didn’t see the deer after impact-- it was too dark to see anything behind me. I made an illegal U-turn and went back along that stretch several times, going far below the 50 MPH speed limit to see if I could spot the deer. But no, it was gone.
I drove that last mile or so home, shaking and tensely alert. Miraculously, the only damage to my car was a broken parking light. No blood, no fur. Jay thinks the deer must have kicked the car and broken the light and I suppose that’s possible. I hope that’s what happened-- the thought of some poor deer laying in the woods with a broken leg breaks my heart. Honestly, it all happened so fast-- sofast-- I couldn’t really have said. I remember the deer freezing in the glare of the headlights just as the phrase goes. And then this little sideways scamper as if it was trying to back up. Then the thud. Then darkness in front of me. A crazy moment of time and then it was over.
I suppose it’s amazing that the damage wasn’t worse. My car is so small that full-on impact with a deer of any size would have done serious damage to the car, if not to me. I was lucky. Hopefully the deer was lucky, too.
I feel as if my life took this strange and crazy detour about two years ago. I hit 39, 40, 41… and then boom… by the time I turned 42, I was pregnant. Of course, it was still so early in the pregnancy I didn’t really believe it was real. Not after the previous summer’s miscarriage, not after all the reading and researching I’ve done. I knew the odds were against me, I knew the statistics weren’t in my favor. So even on that 42nd birthday as I shunned alcohol and caffeine, I felt like I was playing at being pregnant.
Oh, but what a change when I turned 43! A five month old babe in arms, I was an entirely different person in an entirely different life, it seemed. And I reeled at how it had all happened. Oh, I know the logistics and the biology of it all, but there I was on a very stable, solid, predictable, controllable path for so very long. And suddenly… boom (again)… new path! One that was less stable, not as solid, unpredictable and uncontrollable. How, I wondered, had that happened? My life had taken this suddenly odd turn into the twilight zone where diapers and formula were a part of my day-to-day existence. The woman who had never previously changed a diaper in her entire life was suddenly, intimately aware of just how much one tiny diaper could hold.
I’ll turn 44 in a few short months. I will be at the end of my second trimester, there will be no alcohol or caffeine again-- though I certainly overdid it on both counts on my 43 birthday, as if I knew I’d be denied again this year! And next year… I will turn 45 and be the mother of two young children, my life a cacophony of noise and laughter, toys climbing the walls, potty training underway for Patrick, teething and crawling and all those other first year developments for his brother or sister.
A far cry from my life at 40.
I keep thinking of the Robert Frost poem, “The Road Not Taken”:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
I feel as if I spent a good chunk of my adult life walking one path-- the path of the childless woman, half of a couple with no other responsibilities or obligations-- and at the age of 42, I took the other road. In many ways, I feel lucky to have done it the way I have. To have gotten to be the solitary writer for so long, the wife and partner for nearly 20 years, then to get to have the experience of motherhood and family, to witness the amazing developments in a child who looks so much like my husband-- to see that connection between nature and nurture blossom right before my eyes.
I don’t know where this new path will take me, but I’m glad I’ve gotten the chance to walk it.
What’s it all about?
Life. Love. Writing. Editing. Sex. Books. Romance. Movies. Friendship. Photography. Teaching. Coffee. (Lots of coffee.) Travel. Feminism. Academia. Insomnia. Memories. Experiences. Rants. Raves. Reviews. Babies. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Insanity. Musings of an insomniac writer. Want to know more?
