When you look back on your life, what will you remember? What will stand out as being important and meaningful and what will you regret as a waste of time and energy? The world whirs around me as it always has, with me always feeling a few steps behind and trying to catch up. A carousel of lights and noise and mirrors reflecting my slightly panicked image; the prettiest horse always beyond my grasp.
Pregnancy slows you down. Makes you think differently than you did before. Makes you feel strong and weak at the same time. Physical limitations become greater with each passing week, yet there is nothing more physically demanding than creating a human being. Is my body growing weaker or is it strong beyond comprehension? The inability to bend to tie one’s shoes seems a silly nuisance compared to the ability to sustain a second heartbeat. What matters more? Which will you remember?
What will I remember?
in
Hmm. It took me until I was in my late 30s to get to the state that I could look back on my life and not consider the whole thing a colossal waste of time. Not till I had a couple of books in print, I think. It’s funny ... I’m one of those people you talk about with no particular interest in babies, but my books fulfil the same role for me. They are my creations, my legacy, my mark on the universe.
Are we wired up so that we feel we don’t matter to the world until we have made something that we can pass on to the future? Is it so hard to just enjoy the ride?
Comment by Janine Ashbless on Wednesday, August 05, 2009 Janine makes a good point above - it’s difficult to simply be in the moment, because we live in a world that pushes all of us for success, perfection, and to do something worthwhile with our lives! I think its a bunch of little moments in life that may make you smile, laugh, cry or ponder something simple, but wonderful that you never noticed before; each strung together that we’ll remember the most. 
Comment by Neve Black on Wednesday, August 05, 2009 I’m one of those people you talk about with no particular interest in babies, but my books fulfil the same role for me. They are my creations, my legacy, my mark on the universe.
Janine, I feel the same way about my writing! I always thought my writing would be my legacy. Now I find myself pleasantly considering the possibility of leaving a different kind of mark on the world. Your comment made me wonder if that isn’t the reason I’m having such a hard time writing right now-- perhaps I can only “create” one thing at a time. 
And I do apologize for the baby-focused blogging. I am *not* a baby person (I have never even changed a diaper), so my interest in the topic extends about as far as my own personal experience!
Comment by Kristina on Wednesday, August 05, 2009 Neve ~ I agree with both you and Janine. I just find that being pregnant is forcing me to be more “in the moment” than I’ve ever been. It could be because I’m moving a lot slower these days! 
Comment by Kristina on Wednesday, August 05, 2009 keep a journal for the baby of how you feel now.
Comment by on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 
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